The government today launched an initiative to protect British households from the attention door-stepping Jehovah’s witnesses.Details are secret, but the scheme will include relocating anyone who has been door-stepped more than twice and changing their identity. To save money a limited number of new identities will be on offer: Derek Frapply for men and Helena Hope for women. If money can be found, the Treasury may later add Kenneth and Daphne as naming options.
The special relocation homes have no front door, thus preventing future doorstep evangelising (owners will however have to crawl in and out of their new home via the windows, but this is considered a small price to pay to avoid having to talk to two scary Christian dead-eyes called Chad for hours on end.)
Church of England coffee mornings are not covered under the scheme.